Do you say “yes” when deep down you want to say “no”?
You’re not alone; many kind, caring people find themselves stuck in the pattern of people-pleasing. Just feels like second nature to be helpful, agreeable and reliable, but if you often put others’ needs ahead of your own, even at a cost to your wellbeing, that’s more than just being “nice.”
In my practice, I work with people who feel this pressure daily. They say things like:
“I drop everything the moment someone else needs me.”
“What I want doesn’t matter; it can wait.”
“If I don’t help, I feel guilty.”
At first glance, people-pleasing can look like compassion, and in many ways, it is. But for some, it goes deeper. A deeply rooted urge that can feel compulsive, even exhausting. Feeling a constant need to be liked, approved of, or avoid conflict, often at the expense of your own needs, time, and peace of mind. Saying yes feels like a must. Guilt follows fast. Worry creeps in soon after.
This blog will help you understand where this pattern may have started, how it can show up in your daily life, and, most importantly, what you can do to begin shifting it.
Know that you deserve to feel seen, heard, and important, too.
Let’s take a closer look.
Why People Pleasers Struggle to Say No
For many people-pleasers, this pattern didn’t just appear overnight in fact, it often started in childhood, when being helpful, kind, or quiet was praised… or when standing up for yourself brought disapproval, rejection, or even punishment. Over time, you may have learned that keeping the peace meant being agreeable – love and safety were conditional, tied to how much you did for others.
Fast forward to adulthood, and that early conditioning can appear in various ways. Maybe you go above and beyond for others, and rarely ask for help yourself. Maybe you feel guilty when you set a boundary, or worry people will think you’re selfish if you put your needs first.
You might even know it’s wearing you down… but, despite this still feel like you can’t stop.
One client told me:
“If someone asks for a favour, I feel I have to drop everything, like it’s urgent. Helping others always seems more important than anything I have going on.”
When you feel that sense of urgency, guilt, or fear of letting others down can make it incredibly hard to say “no” – even when you’re exhausted. But here’s the truth: constantly putting others first isn’t sustainable, and it doesn’t make you a better person. You deserve to feel balanced, valued, and in control of your time and energy.
Where does people-pleasing come from?
Most people-pleasers carry a deep, often unspoken belief:
“If I don’t keep others happy, I won’t be liked, loved, or accepted.”
Know that it’s a belief that usually forms early, when approval from parents, teachers, or other adults felt essential. Maybe you were praised when you were helpful, quiet, or agreeable. Or perhaps you felt ignored or criticised when you tried to assert yourself.
Over time, your brain linked “being liked” with “being good”, and “being good” with putting others first. That belief becomes a sort of invisible rule you live by, even as an adult, however it can lead to:
- Avoiding conflict at all costs
- Struggling to say no
- Feeling responsible for other people’s moods or needs
- A constant fear of being judged or disliked
- Suppressing your own wants, feelings, or opinions
And the hardest part? You might not even realise you’re doing it. People-pleasing often feels like “just being a nice person.” But underneath that urge to keep everyone happy, there’s usually a fear of rejection, or not being enough.
What can help?
Step one is recognising that being kind doesn’t mean always saying “yes.”
Of course, you can still be thoughtful and caring while honouring your own needs, time, and energy.
The goal isn’t to stop being a good person.
Instead, your aim is to stop abandoning yourself in the process.
Here are a few powerful shifts that can help:
- Reclaim your right to say “no”
Saying no doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you clear.
Each time you say no to something that doesn’t feel right, you’re saying yes to your own wellbeing.
- Notice where the guilt shows up
When you notice that pang of guilt when you put yourself first?
Don’t immediately feel it’s a sign that you’ve done something wrong, it’s a sign because you’re breaking an old, unhelpful pattern. Guilt often shows up when you start choosing yourself, but it fades as your self-worth strengthens.
- Remember: you don’t have to earn love or approval
You are enough without overgiving.
Remember, those people who truly value you will respect your boundaries. Those who don’t… were benefiting from your lack of them.
“Thank you, Joanna.
Before the session I just felt that I had no choice, I must do what others ask immediately. Thanks to Joanna, I was able to see how and why my past events affected me for so long. It’s so clear now.
Now I stop and think, what do I want? I give myself time, people see I have changed. I am not a new person, I’ve not changed who I am, instead now I respect myself, I get more respect from others. I love my life now; I feel calm and in control of me and what I do. I have self-worth. I feel free, it’s all good!”
Elsie London
How hypnotherapy can help
People-pleasing isn’t just a surface habit, it’s a deep, often unconscious programme.
That’s why many people find it hard to shift with willpower alone.
Through RTT® Hypnotherapy, we work with the part of your mind where these patterns were formed. We uncover the root beliefs driving the need to please, and replace them with more empowering ones.
Clients often describe it as feeling like a weight has lifted.
They begin to:
- Speak up with more ease
- Set clear, healthy boundaries
- Say yes only when they mean it
- Trust their own needs and instincts
- Finally feel free to be themselves — without guilt
People Pleasing – FAQs:
Q: Why do I always say yes when I want to say no?
A: People-pleasing often stems from childhood experiences where approval was linked to self-worth. Saying yes becomes a learned way to gain love, avoid rejection, or feel safe, even when it means ignoring your own needs.
Q: Can hypnotherapy really help me stop people-pleasing?
A: Yes, RTT® hypnotherapy helps uncover the root cause of your need to please and rewire the subconscious beliefs driving it. Most people feel a noticeable shift after just one session.
Q: What happens if I start putting myself first?
A: Many people find they feel more confident, respected, and authentic. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but learning to set healthy boundaries improves relationships, including with yourself.
And if you would like to know more, please read the main FAQ found on the link below!
Final Thoughts
When you’re tired of feeling stretched thin, second-guessing yourself, or putting everyone else’s needs above your own, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to keep living that way. People-pleasing may have served you once, but it’s not who you truly are.
Feel confident knowing that it’s safe to be kind and have boundaries. Enjoy knowing that it’s possible to be caring and confident. And it’s never too late to make a change.
What’s next?
If you’re tired of always putting others first and find it hard to say “no,” you’re not alone and you don’t have to keep struggling with it.
Just press the button below to book your free consultation, and let’s chat about how hypnotherapy can help you reclaim your time, energy, and confidence.
Take care, Joanna x
Related articles:
• How do you stop thinking you’re not good enough?
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This blog was first published back in June 2020 — and it’s just had a full refresh for June 2025. I’ve updated it with fresh insights and practical tips I’ve picked up over the years. Hope you find it just as helpful today.